Can someone re-write or edit this for me???

I really do not like the way this sounds(I already had them change a bit and there is a typo now), but I am not good at writing. If someone will help me to make this sound more personal and just plain good I would be grateful. It is for our "Women in Business" insert section that our local paper runs each year. I want it to sound professional and personal but not like a sales pitch.johnsonsWIB.pdf

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Drew on July 21, 2011 at 3:36pm

I'll take a look at it! I'm the Marketing Manager for CollisionSync so I'm experienced with these kinds of things. I'll be in touch!

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Drew on July 21, 2011 at 6:24pm

Hi Sheila, I put this together for you.... I'm not sure if it's just what you're looking for, but I thought I'd give it a shot!

Attachments:

Sheila Johnson.docx, 11 KB

Permalink Reply by Sheila on July 23, 2011 at 6:20pm

That is awesome. Thank you so much.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Drew on July 24, 2011 at 4:27pm

You're welcome! Happy to help! :)

Permalink Reply by Kim Reilly on July 21, 2011 at 4:28pm

The first question I would have is...

What are you trying to promote? You or the business?

If you are promoting you (as in the title) I would tell about you first, then about the business, in short facts, not run-on sentences.

I tried to copy & paste it to make changes but could not get it to do it. If you would like to e-mail it to me in a writing format, I will also look at it and suggest for you. I do all of our marketing my self and find that sometimes I need a second opinion at times. This was a great idea. kim.reilly@corporatecollision.com

Permalink Reply by Sheila on July 23, 2011 at 6:23pm

Kim, thank you so much as well. Stephanie hit the nail on the head with hers and I will just use that as it is. I appreciate your help too.

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